I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
