it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
