Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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