I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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