Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
