you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
