I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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