I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
