ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
