So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
