Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
