only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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