Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
