Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
