from now on my penis is your penis
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
