I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I am midnight drunk by noon
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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