The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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