my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
