so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
