dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
