I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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