did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
