ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
