i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
