I wish I could teleport
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You are a genius and a whore.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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