Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i will never coherently bang her
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
