he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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