my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
