I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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