yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
