The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
