hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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