I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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