life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
