im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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