i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
