If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
