dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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