he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
