i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
