I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
