I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
