Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He passed out mid-signature
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
