proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
