i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
