The maid of honor just puked.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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