dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
