Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
