just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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