My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
